It’s been a while since my last post. I’m not even sure anyone really reads my stuff anyway. Everything on here so far is pretty lame too. I was really just trying to get acclimated to the layout. Well… I got it. Oh, and I should probably mention, I was extremely high on copious amounts of heroin and crystal meth, and whatever else was around. So………..,yeah.
Like I said. I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been gone for a little over a year. I was incarcerated. No not for hitting a lick. HaHa! It was for drug possession. Not surprising considering the content of my posts. A good thing did come from my time away though. I have been clean and sober for over a year. Everything is quickly falling back into place. I’m enjoying life for once. My life was a total disaster. Everyday, I just wanted to die. I was addicted to heroin. I lost everything because of it. Gave it away is more like it. I won’t go into specific detail. You already know. It’s the same old story. I was more than a loser. I was parasite. I was literally living under a bridge with a bunch of other homeless junkies. I had built a little cabin from scrap 2/4’s, and plywood, got a mattress and a couch, and called it home. I was okay with it. My kids hated me, my family disowned me, my friends gave up on me, and I was okay with it. I showered once a week if I was lucky and I was okay with it. I can’t believe that ME, Jesse fucking Heselton just laid down to die, I had given up on life. I couldn’t see a way out of the hole I was in. So I stayed down. The Red Hot Chili Peppers song under the bridge defined my life. Since then, I made a promise to myself. If I touch a needle or a drug again, I’m going to put a bullet in my head. I know that may sound a little extreme, but I’d be better off dead than live that way ever again. And I don’t want to die yet. So I guess I better stay clean. Or I’ll be dead. Not a very hard decision to make, is it? Either way I’d be dead. So what’s the sense in prolonging it.
Some good did come from my time away. I got to face my guilt and shame head on. I felt emotions again. I had forgotten how prolific my depression could make me. I’m a whiny, self absorbed, grandiose, imaginative, empathetic pisces. Who actually enjoys being sad. I really do. Kurt Cobain, Lou Reed, Charles Bukowski, Lil Peep, Layne Staley Trent Reznor, Corey Taylor, and Hunter S. Thompson, embraced their sadness. Along with a bunch of other musicians, artists, poets, and writers. At least I think they did. Who knows. Who cares.
Anyway, I have hundreds of pages of poetry, short stories, and a bunch of art to share. I think rather than type it all though, I’m just going to take pictures of the actual writings themselves, and post them that way. You’ll see how self absorbed, ignorant, disgusting, manic and hateful I can be. Even sober.
Just in case anyone is wondering. I am enjoying the sober life. I thought it was going to be boring. At times it is I guess. But… I’d rather be bored at home, watching Netflix with my kids, eating ice cream, in a nice warm house than be wasted under a bridge.
juxtaposer 